Death of the Stork, Birth of the Unseen Menace

The Times relayed to us this week the tale of new findings from space nonsense. NASA scientists, apparently having nothing better to do with their barrels of taxpayer money, decided to run a spectacularly expensive flying object into the debris of a comet. This sort of tomfoolery, most resembling a horde of teenagers driving too close, too fast down gravel roads, is apparently what passes for science in this debauched age. However, to explain away the damage to the paint of their expensive spacecraft, these joyriding scientists have now said that they have found amino acids in the scratches.

As you may remember from the ten seconds of high school science instruction not spent on man’s inhumanity to Earth, amino acids are the funny little compounds that make up the DNA that makes up life. NASA science reprobates finding them in a comet may mean that the scum affixed to a piece of wayward space scrap begat all life on Earth. While this new breakthrough may make the average man revel in the brilliance of our age, we must dig deeper to find the true meaning of this finding.

If this one comet contained within its wake these needed molecules for life we must then think that many others may also be so equipped. If that is the case then many other planets may have suffered impacts from these comets. The sheer number of planets in the cosmos must mean that these seeds have found purchase in some verdant soils. If that is true, and it most certainly must be so, then when you lie peacefully on your back gazing at the brilliance of the night time sky, somewhere in one of those sparkling lights there are eyes staring back at you.

And this is why it is of utmost importance that we must, in as breakneck a pace as possible, utterly and completely destroy the planet Mars.

Dear citizen, I do realize that this may sound to be the words of a crazed mind but please give me time to explain. Let me start my explanation by way of the Japanese people.

The Japanese islands are ones that are protected by terrible currents and often ferocious weather. This barrier has kept the island’s inhabitants safe from the often dangerous world around them. However, at one point they received the technology of the Portuguese cannon and gunpowder. This technology swept through the society, changing it completely. Warfare was no longer accomplished with swords but with musket and cannon. But just as fast as it came it departed. Warlords gave up these new ideas and reverted back to their old ways.

Now, if you are of the bleeding heart, Luddite wing of nuttery then you will see this as a good thing. Bad, evil technology came, wise souls saw its evil, banished it and all were the better for it. However this would be a short and silly understanding of the effects. The mid-nineteenth century brought with it the sailing of American Commodore Perry and his Black Ships. These Japanese, unequipped with modern technology, were in no position to repel the outside force and were forced to surrender in the terms thrust upon them.

Today we find ourselves in a world where the uninformed “doves” tell us that there is nothing more to fear. We have a new “peace” with foreign “partners” who will do us no “harm”. It is in this opiate haze of idiocy that our leaders put forth the trimming of military budgets, the reducing of armed forces recruits and the destruction of our nuclear deterrent.

Fools! It is at this time we must redouble our efforts! With great advances in the technology of weapons and spacecraft we can send men and machines to Mars and set off a grand display. The large fireball that we would create would send a message to any peering alien that our planet is not a pushover in negotiations! Through this positive action we can assure the progress of our species in the future colonies of space and avoid working in the spice mines of some reptilian overlord.

Vigilance!